Just some heartaching

I'd been thinking lately, about good times I had before, it's gone by now....


I cried of almost every night, I kept to myself for too long, I'm afraid of telling people, I'm afraid that I would repeat my mistake. I told my bestfriends before of what I really feel, I thought the quotes in the internet, in books or even by saying that friends understand us more than family does, but mine does not. Does this proves that people lied? I told them about how I felt, I expressed everything to them. Well, at first they were understanding but days by days, mocking were all they did. 


They thought they were just joking, but it's my problem they're talking about, it's my life that they were made a joke off. I don't want to make things big and added more of my problems so I just tag along. What will I do without them? I'm suffocating all by myself..


That is when I had thought of him, my petbrother whom I didnt contact for so long. I was hoping that he could be the one, to comfort me, to give me strength like he always did before, but all I had was ' no replies ' . I burst into tears thinking of my heart aching all by myself. Nobody is with me...


Before, I always shared everything with my big sis, but now she's too far away, and even if I wanted to make a phone call and tell her everything, she'll be too busy telling me about her problems instead. I don't want to burden her with my problems more. So I kept quiet, again keep it to myself. I'm aching hours by hours but nobody knows..


Boyfriend? Should I tell him of my problems, his problems is more than everything to compared of! I wouldn't want to burden him more. Not now not ever. Imma just keep it to myself, and when the time comes, I'll just cry. I'll cry and cry and cry till my eyes ache, and I'll cry more till my whole body are aching, and that's the point where I'll stop. Cause I have to wait for the next moment to cry again..


I don't look happy anymore. My smiles were all not fake, honestly. It's just that, it's not in a good quality anymore. I lost my happiness in a blink of an eye. People may think, I should tell to God, to Allah. But I'm too embarassed. I'm too embarassed of myself to even seek for his blessing, I'm His servant that doesnt have the right to have his blessing because I didnt obey his orders. I'm too shy to even ask something from him. I shouldn't be asking or telling him anything! Cause I'm the most despicable servant of His. I'm sorry Allah,I'm not even eligible to receive the forgiveness from you. Cause I'm filthy..


To here, I told everything, of what I really feel. Mam is going to Maccah in 14 days, I'll lost my strength by then, I'll even lost my low quality smile by then, I'll lost my happiness by then. I hope I'll be strong, I hope everyone will be here for me. But for me now, hope is just a word. A word that I shouldn't hope to say at the first place..


I lost it in a blink of an eye....