Mom.

I was home alone, my brother were off to work and my sister were at school. I decided not to go to school because I have to take care of my little sister when she's home. I had finished settling the laundries and done some chores as well. I thought that day was going to be short, but it's obviously a very long morning, I lay on my mother's bed. Thinking deeply about her, oh boy how much I miss her. This really, reminds me of what she always said, when I woke up late every morning. 

She would go to my room, at about two or three times and would call my name frequently without asking me to get up. I know her tricked, when she did that it means that, I'm not suppose to sleep at this period in fact i have study. Well as ussual, I'll never wake up at the first three calls, the fourth time she went into my room, then I'll wake up cause by that time, she'll already got angry. Oh how I miss that moment, mother. 

And when I finally woke up, I would straight away go downstairs and have my brunch, well that's the second part where she scolded me again. For not brushing my teeth or even bath before going downstairs and when I'm on my way up, she would scream and told me to tidy up my bed. Well, I usually will lay on the bed again, and purposely falling to sleep. 

At 11, I'll woke up. And she'd probably making cakes or cookies. Then I'll hit the shower, and took my books. But I obviously only took them without studying. I'll make myself busy with her stuff instead. Like asking her what she's doing, and watch her doing what she's doing and sometimes I helped by making it worse! And she always gets angry but I'll just laugh cause I know she's not that angry actually. 

Then, if I didnt studied for at least 1 hour in the morning, she'll do the dissapointment face and that could make me felt guilty for the whole day. When she did that, I'll quickly went to my books and started reading, while she'd probably went to bath or to fetch my little sister from school. When she's bored, she'll read Quran and probably do some readings. She hates it when she'll go online, cause she can't stop. She said that thing is addictive. Well, it is. 

When it's time for lunch or dinner, she ALWAYS asks me to eat, cause I'm the one who's always felt sick, she just knew it. And I know I'll not eat cause I'm scared of getting fat. Actually, it's not that I'm scared of getting fat instead I just love it when she cared too much for me. That's what it is. Finally, when it's time for bed, she'll always tell me to recite the prayers first then went to bed. And she'll always said goodnight and probably asks me to studied for an hour before bed, I know she loves me. 

I miss my mom so much, she's at Maccah right now. And she'll be coming home at the 26th. I love my mom and she's irreplaceable. People may take their mom for granted right now cause they kept on mumbling and nags about your studies and future, but if you aks me, I would really want my mom to nags about that to me right now, cause when she didnt, I felt like a loner. I love you mama, and I'll be waiting for you to come home. Thank you Allah, for letting live and comes out from my mom :') haha it sounds so wrong.

I LOVE YOU MA ♥

me being selfish?

I'm currently in a bitch mood, so I hope you did not read this. 


What do you mean by I'm being selfish? What do you mean by i'm using harsh words with you? WHO'S THE ONE WHO SAID I'M CRUSHING ON MY OWN BESTFRIEND'S BOYFRIEND? it was you, you were the one who's being mean to me. You're the one who didn't care of my feelings anymore, you didn't even think of what will i feel when you say those things. You cried? And you feel sad? Then what about me? I cried in front of you, after you said those awful things. I explained it all to you already but what you did, was not trusting me. What makes you think that I'm okay with that? 


I'm way tired than you do. You said I'm selfish but all you think about is your feelings, you keep hurting me and when I back myself up, you got angry, you said i can't accept critism bt what about you? did you accept my words? did you even listen to me? 

Just some heartaching

I'd been thinking lately, about good times I had before, it's gone by now....


I cried of almost every night, I kept to myself for too long, I'm afraid of telling people, I'm afraid that I would repeat my mistake. I told my bestfriends before of what I really feel, I thought the quotes in the internet, in books or even by saying that friends understand us more than family does, but mine does not. Does this proves that people lied? I told them about how I felt, I expressed everything to them. Well, at first they were understanding but days by days, mocking were all they did. 


They thought they were just joking, but it's my problem they're talking about, it's my life that they were made a joke off. I don't want to make things big and added more of my problems so I just tag along. What will I do without them? I'm suffocating all by myself..


That is when I had thought of him, my petbrother whom I didnt contact for so long. I was hoping that he could be the one, to comfort me, to give me strength like he always did before, but all I had was ' no replies ' . I burst into tears thinking of my heart aching all by myself. Nobody is with me...


Before, I always shared everything with my big sis, but now she's too far away, and even if I wanted to make a phone call and tell her everything, she'll be too busy telling me about her problems instead. I don't want to burden her with my problems more. So I kept quiet, again keep it to myself. I'm aching hours by hours but nobody knows..


Boyfriend? Should I tell him of my problems, his problems is more than everything to compared of! I wouldn't want to burden him more. Not now not ever. Imma just keep it to myself, and when the time comes, I'll just cry. I'll cry and cry and cry till my eyes ache, and I'll cry more till my whole body are aching, and that's the point where I'll stop. Cause I have to wait for the next moment to cry again..


I don't look happy anymore. My smiles were all not fake, honestly. It's just that, it's not in a good quality anymore. I lost my happiness in a blink of an eye. People may think, I should tell to God, to Allah. But I'm too embarassed. I'm too embarassed of myself to even seek for his blessing, I'm His servant that doesnt have the right to have his blessing because I didnt obey his orders. I'm too shy to even ask something from him. I shouldn't be asking or telling him anything! Cause I'm the most despicable servant of His. I'm sorry Allah,I'm not even eligible to receive the forgiveness from you. Cause I'm filthy..


To here, I told everything, of what I really feel. Mam is going to Maccah in 14 days, I'll lost my strength by then, I'll even lost my low quality smile by then, I'll lost my happiness by then. I hope I'll be strong, I hope everyone will be here for me. But for me now, hope is just a word. A word that I shouldn't hope to say at the first place..


I lost it in a blink of an eye....