jealousy

yes, memanglah jealous tu tanda sayang. tapi tak lah sampai cemburu buta? tu bukan sayang namanya tu, tu dah tak percaya pada pasangan masing masing. don't you think so? 


I don't even know what have you been thinking lately, but don't you know that i love you so much and only you? can't you feel anything? didn't i just gave my all to you? why must you doubt me ? why must you think i'm all flirtatious to every guy i know? WHY? don't you know that I treated you like a prince? but all you felt was insincerity? doesn't you know that it hurts the most when you doubted me ? I HATE THAT! why can't you trust me ? Why? you told me a million times that you do trust me but what happens now? you're not. 


and when I kept explaining these to you, you started to become all sweet and seek for forgiveness and we'll be fine but later on it's just the same thing, keep repeating over and over again. and when, i said these thing, you'll end up keeping your thoughts to yourself and i'll feel like dating a robot. FUCK THAT. you'll make me all guilty forever! 


i don't know what to do, i don't know what to explain anymore,cause everything i'll do, is going to get back to me again, just like you. sometimes i felt like breaking up but i know that i love you so much and i wouldn't want to lose you. haaahhh. i don't know what to do. should we break up again?

Mom.

I was home alone, my brother were off to work and my sister were at school. I decided not to go to school because I have to take care of my little sister when she's home. I had finished settling the laundries and done some chores as well. I thought that day was going to be short, but it's obviously a very long morning, I lay on my mother's bed. Thinking deeply about her, oh boy how much I miss her. This really, reminds me of what she always said, when I woke up late every morning. 

She would go to my room, at about two or three times and would call my name frequently without asking me to get up. I know her tricked, when she did that it means that, I'm not suppose to sleep at this period in fact i have study. Well as ussual, I'll never wake up at the first three calls, the fourth time she went into my room, then I'll wake up cause by that time, she'll already got angry. Oh how I miss that moment, mother. 

And when I finally woke up, I would straight away go downstairs and have my brunch, well that's the second part where she scolded me again. For not brushing my teeth or even bath before going downstairs and when I'm on my way up, she would scream and told me to tidy up my bed. Well, I usually will lay on the bed again, and purposely falling to sleep. 

At 11, I'll woke up. And she'd probably making cakes or cookies. Then I'll hit the shower, and took my books. But I obviously only took them without studying. I'll make myself busy with her stuff instead. Like asking her what she's doing, and watch her doing what she's doing and sometimes I helped by making it worse! And she always gets angry but I'll just laugh cause I know she's not that angry actually. 

Then, if I didnt studied for at least 1 hour in the morning, she'll do the dissapointment face and that could make me felt guilty for the whole day. When she did that, I'll quickly went to my books and started reading, while she'd probably went to bath or to fetch my little sister from school. When she's bored, she'll read Quran and probably do some readings. She hates it when she'll go online, cause she can't stop. She said that thing is addictive. Well, it is. 

When it's time for lunch or dinner, she ALWAYS asks me to eat, cause I'm the one who's always felt sick, she just knew it. And I know I'll not eat cause I'm scared of getting fat. Actually, it's not that I'm scared of getting fat instead I just love it when she cared too much for me. That's what it is. Finally, when it's time for bed, she'll always tell me to recite the prayers first then went to bed. And she'll always said goodnight and probably asks me to studied for an hour before bed, I know she loves me. 

I miss my mom so much, she's at Maccah right now. And she'll be coming home at the 26th. I love my mom and she's irreplaceable. People may take their mom for granted right now cause they kept on mumbling and nags about your studies and future, but if you aks me, I would really want my mom to nags about that to me right now, cause when she didnt, I felt like a loner. I love you mama, and I'll be waiting for you to come home. Thank you Allah, for letting live and comes out from my mom :') haha it sounds so wrong.

I LOVE YOU MA ♥

me being selfish?

I'm currently in a bitch mood, so I hope you did not read this. 


What do you mean by I'm being selfish? What do you mean by i'm using harsh words with you? WHO'S THE ONE WHO SAID I'M CRUSHING ON MY OWN BESTFRIEND'S BOYFRIEND? it was you, you were the one who's being mean to me. You're the one who didn't care of my feelings anymore, you didn't even think of what will i feel when you say those things. You cried? And you feel sad? Then what about me? I cried in front of you, after you said those awful things. I explained it all to you already but what you did, was not trusting me. What makes you think that I'm okay with that? 


I'm way tired than you do. You said I'm selfish but all you think about is your feelings, you keep hurting me and when I back myself up, you got angry, you said i can't accept critism bt what about you? did you accept my words? did you even listen to me?